Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
