Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You made out with two different species that night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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