there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize