I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
this is an emotional support booty call
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
