my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
