How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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