I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
