I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
