I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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