i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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