and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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