Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
