I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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