i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
