I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Drake has all the answers
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize