FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
