Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
