i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
