all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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