I'm so fucking centered right now
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize