i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I AM VODKA MAN
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
