The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
a search helicopter?!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
