Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
