jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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