I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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