I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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