God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
