I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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