38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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