its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
