I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
