You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
