It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
