there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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