fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
