We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize