Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize