I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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