Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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