Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
