woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
