i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
