i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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