you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
