You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
