dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
