thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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