how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
