We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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