How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
