How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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