Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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