I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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