SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
