I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
