Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
porn star boner night. come get it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
