My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
