You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
