Tell her she can't have a vagina
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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