Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
