woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize