woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
