I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
